Lost Love Essay
I am sitting on the chair and thinking about her, my girl friend Sita, who is no longer alive. Outside the atmosphere is not so pleasant so my heart. It is dark evening and started to hurt as I think about her. More I think about her more I fell pain in my heart. I could not stand it. Love and relationships never hurt me like this. I can not believe on myself, why it happened to me?
I remember the day and how I met her. The first time we met in the park. She was walking with her dog at the park and I was on the way home after finishing my part time job in near by store. Suddenly, I noticed the beautiful attractive girl in the park with the dog. I never have seen her before in this park and area. So, I easily reached in conclusion that she must be the new in this area. When, I reached near to her, "Hi, beautiful dog. I have not seen you before. Are you new here?"
She stops and slowly turned to me and said, "Yes, we just moved from Katmandu and living just near that red house."
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She added, "My name is Sita. What is yours?"
For a moment, our eyes see each other since both of us were going to the same direction. We started to talk way back home. I told about the town and area which was new for her. I did not realize that I have arrived in my house. To cut the conversation, I asked her, "What are you doing day after tomorrow."
She answered me. "I do not have any special plan but I am planning to go to the down town."
I told her, "Okay, I am also planning to go to the down town. If you do not mind then I can show you around."
When Friday came, I was very happy. When, I saw her coming to my house. I came out of my house and told her, "I am ready. Let's go."
The day was perfect and the person I was with made the date like heaven. After that, we started going out together so often and talked on the phone. One day, we decided to go for hiking for just two days. This is very common in Nepal at that time. To avoid the suspicious from the families, I told her why not we ask out 2, 3 friends to join with us. Day before leave for the hiking, I went to the shop to rent a sleeping bag for all of us and camping tent.
Next day, I left for a hiking with Sita and other friends. After walking straightly 4 hours up in the hill, I was so tired and hungry that I decided to set up a camp just out side the village. Together, all of us set up a camp and cooked food. When I was having a food other group members purpose me to go down to the village to see this village is so popular among the westerner. But I was not in mood to go down to the village.
I told them. "You guys go ahead. I am tired. I will stay behind."
I stay behind with Sita in the camp just kissing and talking. At that time, the only thing I was hoping for was that this moment would never end. When I looked into her soft black eyes, I was completely under her spell. We would stare into each other and talked about the future plans. I spent that 2 days hiking program talking each other away from home.
The spring flew by faster then hiking and camping trip. When school started my feelings had increased. Even though, I was busy in my own study and at the school activities. It did not affect my feelings and relationship towards her. Then came New Year, I decided to celebrate differently in my friend Ravi's place instead to going to the Hotel. On New Year day, I with Sita went to the Ravi's place where all the friends were come and celebrating.
Before the New Year celebration day, Ravi announced all the friends. "Alcohol is not allowed." However, on the New Year day, some of the boys drank outside and came in the party. But Ravi and I did not give attention who was drunk and who is sober. After the party, I decide to stay behind and clean-up the Ravi's place. I was just happy that the cleaning was over and I could go home.
I took a taxi to come back home. While I was coming back home, I looked at her and asked her."Do you promise me you'll never leave me?"
She answered me softly with smile on her face, "Yes, I will never leave you."
When we left, it was already 1.30 a.m. Taxi was heading to the home. Weather was not so good, road was slippery due to the rain. When taxi reached the roundabout, all of sudden, I heard bang noise as our taxi collided with other vehicle. Which was coming from other direction? After that, I do not remember. When I opened my eyes- I was in the hospital bed. I looked at the left and right side of my bed. I did not see anybody. I called nurse and asked impatiently, "where is Sita?"
But the nurse told me to take rest and do not talk and stressed myself. When I pressured her about Sita, the nurse told, "I'm sorry, your friend did not made here. She died on the accident and she was already death when medical team arrived at the accident scene."
I remember the promise, which I made to her at the last moment. More I remembered more I felt pain in my heart and faster tear comes out. The relatives and friends come forward to calm me down. I just looked on the ceiling and remember each and every moment I spent with her.
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For four years, I have been in love with you. For three of those years you said you felt the same but your actions told me otherwise. Last month, I confronted you and now we don't speak. I don't know how to stop the feelings of rage, frustration, loss and craving that overwhelm me, shooting outwards in bursts from the pit of my stomach – emotions so strong I have to shout or clench my fists to gain relief.
I've tried to expunge these feelings and your looming presence but I can't. I went halfway across the world to escape you but only succeeded in replacing the backdrop to my longing. Listening to our favourite songs, I dreamed of you in the Amazonian jungle instead of in dreary London.
Do you remember when we met? I have a vivid memory of that ridiculous induction on our first day at work and the moment our eyes locked in shared amusement while we role-played how to work the telephone. After that day, we slowly got to know each other via email – amusing one-line exchanges became whole paragraphs and then essays. Soon I could think of nothing but you and would store up references and funny incidents to report – weekends took an age to pass.
But a few weeks into our digital courting my excitement was quelled when a colleague referred to the girlfriend you'd forgotten to mention. I tried to hide my horror but the incoherent conversation that followed must have given me away. Despite my shock and disappointment, the girlfriend didn't stop our correspondence, which lasted for more than three years. During that time we got to know each other intimately: romantic history, family, politics, music taste.
I shouldn't have let myself sink so deeply into our intellectual and emotional love affair but I honestly couldn't help it. It was impossible to resist the easy conversation and wild laughter that accompanied our encounters – you couldn't either, you told me. I let myself succumb because I believed that eventually you'd realise how rare our relationship was and leave her for me. The way you talked about your girlfriend – on the rare occasions that you did – left me in no doubt that you were unhappy together. It seemed inevitable that sooner or later you'd see sense and we'd be free to talk after work and at weekends too. But four years later you're still together.
About a month ago, the truth hit me: the day you leave her and turn up at my door will never come. I confronted you (for the third time) about "us" and, although you again acknowledged the mutual attraction and chemistry, you're content to continue as you are. You say you love her and are trying to make it work but, if you're honest, it's fear that keeps you together. You are so scared of repeating your parents' mistakes but fail to see that taking risks and leaving safety will make you happier in the long run. I hope that one day you find the courage to go after what you want in life.
As for me, I'm learning to live without our friendship. I miss our laughter most of all. It was joyous. There's nothing like looking someone in the eye and being, for a few seconds, together in a moment of pure pleasure. In life, with its potential – propensity, even – for great sadness and boredom, how can that be something you can do without?
When I feel tragic, the reality that my future is not going to be spent laughing with you is crushing. I wonder whether there will be another like you, who'll make me feel less alone in this terrifying and unfriendly world. When I feel good, I'm certain there will be. But on grey, rainy mornings when I'm tired and hopeless, I'm not so sure.